this would be a refreshing break from my usual computer activity… an update to my blog… hummm… imaginary depressions or physical anxiety no longer hunts me… lol… i careless now… somehow i stop caring and just decided to appreciate what i have, what i can have and what i can achieve…
bored to death… but with no choice, smothered and constricted and constipated… my mother… haaaay… lol…
its full moon and i have half my heart… the other half is somewhere far… accross the content, half way accross the globe… its full moon but i only have half of what i have…
I dunno if ever i can still feel complete, will i ever see my self happy… will all this come to an end and be in my favor. I guess i can hope… and half heartedly be optimistic about it…
Im a simple girl, I love and i just want to be loved… all i ask is time, effort and honesty… well so far i havent received any… often i have been cheated on, left alone, ignored… i never had it… i never have any guy who can look me straight in the eye and say he trully loves me…
right now his somewhere… doing something… sleeping with somebody… maybe his eating dinner now…or breakfast… he has half my heart…he just have to find me… fight for me… to have me…
maybe if he do… i will never look at the full moon with half of my heart missing…
normally i would just be home… I wouldnt want to be out and be thinking you will be online… well now i dont have that anymore… i know you will not be online for long… so instead of wishing you are i just have to go around and do whatever i can do…
I dated kyle and just spend quality time with him… watch movies with him and chase him around the cinema… but still thinking of you… how it would have been more complete with you… much happier… but i guess that would happened in time… when i dont know…
i just wish life can make it easier for us… but it didnt… but it made me love you more.,…
its amazing how one view life depending on his/her outlook in life… wheneverthe tide hit me and make me go off shore i anchor my self in faith… knowing that God will deliver me to safer ground… at times i question how God test my strength, how He continuously bend and remold me… often it pains like hell… but i always come out with a fresh and bubbly outlook in life…
Today, I feel that somebody just took something away from me… not that its a new scenario… i just felt that often I never get the things I really want… its either unattainable (like me going to planet venus)… or somebody has it… before i would be moody, maybe it would even affect my work and I would be depress…I would question friends and endlessly ask them if im beautifull, if im ugly, if im a bad person… knowing that i never done anything to deserve this kind of misfortune…
Now, Im still the fresh bubbly me… I still smile… i carry on life as if my heart is not in small pieces scarttered inside me… I have my faith back… knowing that time will come that life, love and fate will be in my favor…
No one can take my beautiful days… no one can clip my wings and no one can break my heart… In my heart i have you… and I know in time i will have you forever…
In my room all alone… let me cry until it hurts no more… the rain drops will keep falling as the loneliness inside me needs to be cleansed… swallow me in my madness… let me linger in the dark shadows of your heart… at least i can stay there till you wanted me to…
well as i always say to my sister… me and love doesnt match… in that division… Im minamaslas ng bongang - bonga! hahahaha…. most of the times im alone and not actually having any dates… unlike my sister… whos dates fall in line… grrrrr…. why is life sooo unfair… last sunday i talk to someone who actually made me give up something i wanted…
Well its the right thing to do… it should have been done a long time ago… i just hope that person gave him what he actually deserve… and stop hurting him… stop calling him names… well i kindah see my angry self to her… i just wish she learned from what i told her… i gave up what i like… what i really wanted… she should know the gravity of my sacrifices…
everyday i feel that i was growing old… my eyes are starting to have this fine lines and its freaking me out….kyle is walking fast… and everyday that passes by makes me feel more alone than ever… i guess that a sign of getting old…
I believe that im still thesame…. i still enjoy fast phased life and i enjoy jumping around and taking risk…yikes… im still immature!!! ahahahaha… well now after reading something i wasnt suppose to read… i started wondering and pondering…
in my life… i was just loved… and felt loved only once… will that ever happend to me again….im afraid not… i shouldnt allow my self to ruin such a perfect relationship…
maybe its depression… lack oh physical exercise… i should enroll in this swimming or badminton class… or maybe just jog around the gym… hummm…. it doesnt sound like me….
After the seminar i was too energetic to go home i decided to watch a movie with my very best friend nick… after debating on what to watch… my big love vs. the kite runner… we ended up watching the most touching middle eastern film ever…
Being raised in the middle east i could say that watching this people play in the desert under the warm heat of the sun reminds me of my childhood… yes, if you watch the movie the place is really that boring. Well the culture of Afghanistan and Saudi has its differences as well as similarities but all i can say is its beautiful…
The movie shows how true friendship works, going beyond miles of sacrifices and heartache of betrayal… in a way i saw that in my friends, done that for a couple of friends i love, and will always do for them… I see true love in my small clique… Nickson is always there during the worst days and best days of my life… hold my hand in every depressions and been there in every heart ache… his my kite runner…
Like Amir and Hassan, together nick and I had been maneuvering our kite into safer sales, trying to bit obstacles, barriers and hindrances in our goals… mostly in our love life… more often than not we ended up with each other, exhausted but still running and fighting and getting whatever kite we have for each other… I guess the reason why we call each other best of friends…
In a way i can safely say that nickson has always been my runner… although he would love to do what happened to hassan in the story… you know when he didnt give the blue kite to the bullies… it would be like hitting two birds in one stone for him… hahahahaha… but i know he loves me that much and i love him all the same… i would be his runner too… and be pleased not to give any kites to the bullies as well… hahahahahaha (watch the kite runner to further understand…)
I ate pizza with friends, laugh and eat a lot… went home and eat some more… while in every corner of my head the song im missing you keeps playing in my head…. then it made me realize that along my journey i found simple lessons in life, things that i would never do again…
- crash and burn (depending on the impact)- i will never be in a situation that will cost me my life, reputation and my beliefs. I guess for the recent years i have been crashing from walls bridges and barriers of my life, trying to go beyond my boundaries searching for life’s treasures.
-letting go- when the days seems to be longer, when you started to look bad in the mirror and no amount of make up can hide the sadness in your eyes… drive and breath… at times it was never enough just to let go… i should learn to move on
- winning and loosing- i was never a winner, never really got anyone to choose me over anything… never really made anybody love me more than the challenges and complexities i bring… i win some and often i loose them as well…
I need to feel secure that what im doing is correct… that I have God’s approval in this venture… Honestly I look at the mirror and see myself as a whole new person… someone i hardly know. She is happier now… well she found some one and shes happy… but at thesame time im sad… knowing that in my happiness im causing someone so much pain… Im a believer of second chances…and at times knowing how she wanted him back i just want to give up and let her win…what is my happiness compared to brandon, delia and richard’s happiness… plus im sure doing good will do give me good karma… but i cant… i still want to wait… i cant last a day without him…
I say that it was pathetic… being in this situation is pathetic, loving someone who is too far is pathetic… wanting him… when you know you cant hold him is pathetic…
but i still love him…
